Yesterday was the first day of daycare for the twins. I was able to leave with very little tears being shed. This morning I was not so lucky. They went into the door with a little “let’s go see the fishies” fib. By the time we headed from the office (fishies room) and went to their room they were pulling the other way. They held tight, then I said my first and only goodbye just like the little book said to do I was hearing big sobs from Landon. Let me just tell ya, one twin feeds off of the other so then Lydia starts sobbing. Within seconds the sobs were screams and the tears were real. I gave each a quick hug and the teacher, love her heart, took both lovingly in her arms and held them close while I left the room in tears. I received the knowing nods and a few kind words from the parents that have been there and done that. I just know this has to get easier.
On to the Next Chapter September 21, 2010
The end of last week I made a very big decision. I have made the decision to accept a full time job offer. To some this may be nothing but a prayer answered but for me I was not even looking for this. For me this was really so fast and sudden that I have not even had time to really Thank God for this offer.
I have spent most of the weekend going back and forth. I of course know that lots of parents work full time and their kids turn out just fine but that fact really doesn’t make me feel any better. I have stayed at home for over 2 years now and have enjoyed my time with all of my kids. This is just what has worked for our family so far and I really am scared of the change about to come. I am already tired and exhausted all of the time so that will not change. The biggest change will be for me! The twins will be okay I am sure but I am just having a hard time letting them become independent little toddlers. Connor will now be leaving the house at 6:30 am and staying at school until 5:45 and I am worried that is too long. Only time will tell how this big decision I have made will affect my family.
All I can do is try! I will try to be the best mom, wife and employee that I can be in that order. We need the income so I am so very thankful for this opportunity. I know that life is about changes and I try to embrace each change with a positive outlook. I will make the moments that we have together as a family special in every way. God just please give me the strength I need to make it through this change.
Where has the time gone? September 15, 2010
This past Friday my oldest turned 7. I am a very lucky momma. He is a wonderful kid. He is a big help with his twin brother and sister. He is also great at taking care of our three animals. I am so very proud of him. I just seems like yesterday that we were trying for so very long to get pregnant with him. We tried for over 4 years before we got our first positive test. I remember going to the doctor for bloodwork and they were telling me that the numbers were not good and not to get my hopes up. That very day I went and bought an angel teddy bear with the word miracle on it. I knew in my heart he would be my little miracle. The pregnancy was very scary I went into preterm labor at 7 months and was put in the hospital then on bedrest. Finally I was on modified bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy. I had Pre E with him and they had to induce 2 weeks early. I look back over all these years and everything just seems like it was just yesterday. I just don’t know where my little boy has gone and when he started being a kid.
He has had a rough road over the past three years first adjusting to his mom being on bedrest for 5 months while pregnant with the tiwns. Then going from the only child and grandchild to third in line. I know he has a great life and he is loved so much! I can only hope that he achieves all of his hopes and dreams. I am so very blessed to have him in my life and he really is our little miracle.
As I sit and watch him turn into this wonderful kid I wonder where has the time gone? I know that time is going to go by this fast with the twins also. All of this just puts me in awe of life in general. I have so many emotions as I watch my baby boy turn into this big kid. Next will be the tween years I guess and I’m just not ready for that…
No Loss Here September 3, 2010
After going for my working job interview on Monday I got a call on Tuesday that they would like for me to do another working interview on Thursday and Friday all day both days. Apparently they were having a hard time deciding between me and one other girl. I have really never heard of a job going through this many working interviews but I thought well I will go ahead and do it and see what happens. So I make sitter arrangements for the twins and Connor’s care for after school. No small task mind you when it is not needed on a daily basis. My phone rings on Wednesday afternoon at 4:45 telling me they had made a decision and I was not needed for that Thursday and Friday for the working interview. They would be contacting me in the future if another position became available because they really loved me and it was a very hard decision for them to make blah blah blah. I figured okay their loss no big deal I had not even decided if I wanted to work full-time anyway so the decision was made for me:) Now here I sit two days later and I am thinking two things: A) How could they be so inconsiderate to call me at the last-minute. I could understand like noon time but do they not realize most sitters need notice or you have to pay! B) Is my mind really made up or am I now really ready to start looking for a full-time job. This job literally just landed in my voicemail. I wasn’t looking for a job but a lot of people around here know my work ethics and experience so I do get calls from time to time about jobs. Now I am thinking I really may start actively looking for a job. It is sounding better each day. I really could use the income and I think I am ready to dive in. Let me just say that this job was no loss here anyone that can’t give me more notice does not respect my time therefore wold not work for me anyway. I really may just hold my breath and take a dive into the “real” job world. I know times are hard and it may take a while to find the perfect job and the twins will be three in a year anyway so I guess it does not hurt to start looking:)
As far as the DI group goes for Landon well he did great! He of course had moments when he was upset but he was familiar with the therapist and they all knew how to handle him so there were no major meltdowns. I am looking forward to watching him become a little more independant. I am so lucky to have this available for him. I think he needed it so bad and this will be a great change for all of us!!!
DI Group August 28, 2010
So I have tons on my mind today. I got a call back regarding the full-time job and now they want me to do a second working interview and I will be up against one other girl who had her working interview. According to a mutual friend her’s went great today. They really like her and she said they mentioned she may be starting as soon as Tuesday. It feels weird being in competiton for a job with one other person from the same small town. Am I ready to work full-time I am just not sure. I hate working the one day on the weekends. I know it does not seem like much but when that is the only time my husband is home and it’s the only time my boy in school is home now it seems like a lot. I am just deciding if it is worth going from 20 hrs to 40 hrs to have off on the weekends. I will be increasing my weekly pay by almost double also.
The most important thing on my mind today is my little boy Landon (aka the boy twin). He starts his DI Group on Monday. He has really bad anxiety. When we go somewhere he always says go bye-bye and cries. He also gets obsessed on weird objects like the lawn mower and big trucks those are his comfort items. He will sit in my lap for most of the day instead of playing when we are home. He has this thing where he repeats the same word like a thousand times a day (no lie) so all day long it is “hold momma HOLD” So all day long I give in to him eventually and hold him because that is what comforts him. We have not done the testing to give his behavior a “label” we are holding off on that. I have known he was different before he was even one. We have been doing at home therapy for about 8 months now. Some days are better than others for him. So Monday we start DI Group Therapy. Last time he was away from his comfortable surroundings (home or Granny’s) was just about 3 months ago after my hysterectomy. We put him in daycare because I could not care for him. They would tell me on a daily basis he had a rough day and cried a lot. He is very smart and as soon as I turned on the street for daycare big crocodile tears would pop up and he would say “No mommy NO” man I struggled with this. He would do this to his dad to and he kept telling me how bad it was but I never saw it until I was able to drive. It broke my heart. He would also cry as soon as a parent would walk through the door. As soon as I would walk in he was just overwhelmed with excitement and would start crying then too. Lydia on the other hand loves to be social therefore she loved daycare. As soon as I was feeling better I took them out. So now he is starting this group and I am so scared this will to be a bad experience for him. I am hoping that because they know better how to deal with kids like him that it will all be okay. I know that his normal therapist will also all be there so he will have familiar faces. I can’t help but to still worry though. If I do take the full-time job then luckily enough the place where the DI Group is held also has a daycare facility that has kids like him. I am not worried about Lydia (aka girl twin) I know she will be fine if I decide to work full-time. She is self-adjusting and just does so well with other people. All of this worrying is not good and I know that but I don’t know what else to do I feel helpless in both situations. I normally have everything under control and always feel I know the best roads to take but with both of these situations I just feel lost and overwhelmed.
Interview Tomorrow!!! August 25, 2010
Just hoping and praying that the right decisions are made!
What Am I Doing??? August 24, 2010
I have a friend that works at a staffing agency and she called me today about a job. She thought of me when she heard of this full time job. It all sounds so perfect the pay is very good for my hometown and it would only be minutes from my house. The problem is that I am for the most part a SAHM. My job is taking care of my kids right now! Landon has speech therapy and behavior therapy each week and is soon to start a group therapy twice a week so that already takes up a lot of my time. Someone has to be here to get Connor off the bus right? Then we do snack and homework. Not to mention the doctor appointments we all have right now. I swear my kids stay sick. I cannot even imagine the thought of being seperated from the twins that many hours a day right now. I feel like Landon needs me more so than Lydia because of all of his issues. There is a very small part and I mean like only 2% of me that says that Landon would maybe benefit going to daycare. I really only think that because family and friends just say he is attached to me to much and that is why he behaves the way he does. Of course I disagree with this and he has failed his MCHAT twice. That is just a whole other story though…
My Booty Parlor Business is going great so I bringing in extra income each month and it does not take much time away from my kids since the parties are normally only a few hours long and after their bedtime. I do work one day on the weekend at a little consignment store. That is the one thing that bothers me a lot. That is the only time my husband is home and I always work when he is home. Other than that all is going well for us right now and we never stress abou the care of our kids. So why did I rush to my office and start working on my resume? What am I doing? I think I am loosing my mind. I was just saying the other day that there is no way I could work full time and keep the schedule and appointments that me and the kids have. I really don’t think I do want to work full time.
I emailed my resume to her and now I am saying a little prayer that I make the right decision or that the higher above just makes the decision for me and I don’t get a call back for an interview:)
Love August 23, 2010
This weekend away was exactly what we needed. Can I just say that I am still amazed that after three kids we can still keep our romance going. I feel so fortunate to have such a wonderful husband that still makes me feel so beautiful and sexy! It will always be a priority to me to keep our love strong and growing. He has been there for me during so much and I will forever be grateful for that.
I must also say that seeing my little kiddos faces when we walked in the door after our trip was the best goft a parent could have. I got the biggest hugs and kisses ever. I am such a lucky momma! I am just overwhelmed by the love that is in my heart.
I am a Giddy Gal!!! August 20, 2010
Tonight is the first time in 5 years that we have stayed away from our house and kids!!! We are going to stay at the Beltarra Casino. This is only my second time goint to the Casino’s the other time was many years ago before kiddos. This is hubbys 1st casino trip. We are just ready to get away and have a great time. I cannot imagine a dinner alone with my dear hubby and then the night to do as we please! I just don’t know what to do with myself I am so excited. He was supposed to get off work at 1 and come on home but as it goes he can’t so we will just go when he gets home. The day is taking forever and I feel like he will never be home. Just ready for what the night will bring!
Am I the best mom I can be? August 18, 2010
Raising three kids is the hardest job I have ever had. There are days that I feel I just cannot keep up. I am trying really hard to be the best mom I can be.
With one child I always felt I was such a wonderful mother. I was always attentive and calm. We had tried for so long to have him that when he finally came into this world we were elated. Breastfeeding went without a hitch. I was able to take lots of time off work and I had balance. Balance with work, raising our child, and time with each other. Everyone volunteered to babysit since he was the only grandchild on both sides so hubby and I were able to spend nights alone together and still have adult time. I worked part-time and spent my days taking Connor to the park or shopping at the local farmer’s market for dinner that night. It all just seemed perfect. I swear he was the best baby ever and was potty trained by 18 months!!! He never fussed a lot and we took him everywhere. We were always able to take him out to eat with us and was never worried how it would go or if we would finish our meal. As he grew up we were told by many that he was the most well-behaved mature little boy. We agreed. I had time to discipline and teach him right from wrong.
We did not want him to be an only child my husband is an only child and I have 2 sisters and a brother. I love the closeness I have with them and wanted him to be given that opportunity. When we found out it was twins we had no idea what was in store for us. Honestly, I was not that worried. I knew it would be different but I had no idea how life changing it would be in many ways. I have a very hard time on a daily basis wondering if I am this wonderful mom that I was the first time around. I am stretched so thin right now. I am physically and emotionally exhausted all the time. From the first few days in the hospital I knew the first few years were going to be difficult. I was able to breastfeed Landon but not Lydia. She was so small and she had such a hard time latching on. He always took his share of milk and most of her’s so I had to rely on formula to feed her from the beginning. This was a struggle all the way up until the day I stopped breastfeeding when they were 10 months old. I still don’t know how my husband and I got through the first year. Lydia had colic from day one. She cried all the time and the only time she didn’t was when she was held or eating. I look back and I just remember being so tired all the time. As soon as the colic stopped at about 12 months then I noticed Landon was just a little different from most babies. We have been going through therapy and evaluations from several therapists and doctors. We realized he has sensory issues and he also has low muscle tone around his mouth. He drools all the time. He has obsessive behavior’s too. When we go somewhere it almost always ends someone having a meltdown or some other disaster happening. They scream in their car seats and hate grocery shopping. My husband and I never get time alone since no-one wants to watch all three kids. I have been unable to work since they have been born because it just does not pay when you are paying for daycare for twins. So money is now too a constant struggle for us so hiring a babysitter is out of the question. I have no idea what I do all day. I look up and time is just gone. Time is spent on potty training and feedings and nap time. I feel bad for my older son Connor. He went from being the center of attention to last in line. Thank God we raised him so well in the beginning and he really is still the best kid ever. I wonder every day if I am being the best mom I can be. I feel so inadequate most of the time. I want my kids to be able to look back and know that I really am trying.
Although things are difficult now I would not have it any other way. When I hear the giggles from the twins when they chase each other around and I hear my son reading a story to them I know this is all worth it. My little Landon wants to be held constantly and there is no better feeling in the world to have him in my arms. Lydia gives you that wonderful smile that just makes your day, then she takes your hand in her tiny hand and all this anxiety goes away. My big boy Connor comes home from school and I ask him about his day and I get to hear the most wonderful stories then tuck him in at night and get that very rare hug. I can only hope and pray that I am doing the best I can do. I have been given the most wonderful gift in life. I wonder what is in store for us in the future. I wonder if this gets easier. Until then I am just taking it one day at a time.